Fear.

I will do what Hillary wants. But, for the record, I do not want to vote for Obama. I don’t think he’s qualified to be our president, nor do I trust him to bring strength and unity to our country. However, I fear McCain more than I dislike Obama. I fear more war and a draft (my son is 11 now). I fear our global collateral withering away into nothing. I fear a 3 day school week (our local elementary school is on a permanent 4 day week because of lack of funds). I fear that my pathetically limited access to overpriced and underserviced healthcare will disappear. I fear that I will never be a home owner again. I fear that we will run out of oil and only the wealthy will be privileged enough to travel. I fear that a tomato won’t look or taste like a tomato anymore.

I’m afraid to not vote for Obama. That’s what it’s come down to.

Bad Tranny

Funny thing happened on the way back from picking Max up…my transmission blew. 3 kids in the car. 107 degrees outside. Sucky. Thankfully, my parent’s rescued us and Jeffrey had the van towed back for repair today. Long day. Crabby kids. Crabby mom.

Nobody was hurt. Nobody got smacked. We discovered the most wonderful gem of a park in Mt. Shasta City. It’s all good. Until we get the bill for a new transmission, that is.

In recovery…

Sometimes there are good days and sometimes there are days like today. Days that start with an Abby-style mega meltdown tantrum, <<things I can’t say publicly without hurting those too close to me>>, my husband’s miserable job, and end, perhaps, with another tantrum to bookend the day. Viola.

The resentments are bubbling up and starting to spill forth. Not being the queen of the universe anymore sucks.

I am a Hellboy-loving Avatard. So. What.

Okay. Since I’m all about being honest and authentic, here are two things that you need to know about me that are just a little embarrassing:

1. I’m an Avatard. I have watched every episode (more than once) of Avatar: The Last Airbender. I love the character. I love the storyline. And I love the strong moral message that the show shares. My ll year old son, Max, and I love to spend a Saturday afternoon cuddled up on the couch, watching our favorite Avatar episodes.
2. I heart HellBoy. I watch the first movie over and over with Max. He’s going to be upset that I went and saw HBII without him, but the kids is at camp. You snooze, you lose. Anyway, I have a weird crush on Ron Perlman ever  since I used to watch Beauty and the Beast so long ago. So, here’s an odd twist, Ron Perlman is also the voice of Fire Lord Sozin from Avatar. Seriously. Whoa.

There. It’s out in the ether. Forever. I’m an Avatard. And I love Hellboy. So what.

Grateful

Today I am grateful for so many things. Below is just a tiny little spec of my gratitude:

• My new sponsee. She keeps me sober and doesn’t even realize it.
• Jeff. Who knew that I would find the love of my life years after being married to him.
• My fabulous family.
• All boy campout birthday parties.
• Great sponsorship and the program that saved us.
• Friendship and good conversation.
• Days off with my husband.

An American Tragedy

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

The Slump

Things were going quite well. My relationships were thriving. Now, not so much. I need to do some work to rebuild them. Argh. I’m still sober and I will not drink, but this is the closest I’ve come. I’m not good at dealing with my problems. I want to run. And hide. But I won’t. I will deal.

Trudging the road of happy destiny?

Ok. Well, here I am. Busy as hell with kids and work. Working a good program. Doing the next right thing. Went to a super fabulous Women in Recovery brunch last Saturday with my sponsor and another wonderful woman. There were over 150 women there eating, raffling, and just looking incredible in their purdy dresses in hats. And while I was listening to the most powerful speaker ever (go see Angie P. from Cinncinati speak if you ever have the opportunity) something very sinister was happening behind my back. Yes, my home group was voting on the new secretary. Those sneaky little drunks have a habit of electing people who are not there. So guess who they chose? Me. Guess I’m the big boss of AA right now, right? I’ve been promoted. Just kidding. Actually, I have a hard time talking in meetings (or any group of people, for that matter) so this is obviously something is that good for me. Something I should do because I don’t want to. See…I can learn.

My Grandpa the Hero

My Grandpa the Hero

Originally uploaded by rustykeller.

This is a picture of my grandpa when he was in the Navy during WWII, before his ship was hit by a kamikaze pilot. He earned a Purple Heart (which I know have).

My grandpa was my hero. Not just because of his service in a war, but because he was always there for me. Always. I miss him dearly.

4 Generations of Women Go to Support Hillary Clinton

Abby Loves Hillary
Originally uploaded by rustykeller.

Abby, my mom, my grandma and I went to see Hillary Clinton speak last week. My 5 year old daughter loves the idea that a woman (and mother) might be president…she insisted on seeing Hillary when she was in town even though it was way past her bedtime and she had to wait for quite awhile. The real icing on the cake was when the Senator made eye contact with Abby, smiled and waved. She will remember this night forever.

Seeds of Compassion and Family Road Trip

Combining Seattle’s Seeds of Compassion with a family road trip has to be one of the best idea’s my husband has thrown out in a long time. Armed with our Seattle City Pass, we drove a rental car (much better gas mileage) up to Portland first (Hey, Nik!) and then into Seattle around 8pm Thursday evening. Max and I got up early Friday morning and set off to see His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama and other panelists for a discussion on the social and emotional education of children.  This truly amazing conference kicked off a 5 day family trip of fun, activity, chaos, and family unity (totally not kidding).

Later that day we were surprised to discover our valet parked car had been vandalized and my husband’s Garmin GPS unit stolen. Really, it wasn’t the end of the world, but the hotel’s detached and nonchalant response was a little disturbing. Needless to say, my sheltered little lambs freaked a bit and need some time to talk about what had happened and why someone would steal from us.  Frankly, listening to educators and the Dalai Lama speak for 90 minutes earlier in the day was good preparation for putting everything in perspective.

Can I just say how blessed I feel to be able to one, participate in such an event (I received tickets for the Business forum on Monday also…amazing!) and, two, share it with my son. Truly a gift. My chaotic and loud little monsters were well behaved (relatively) the entire trip and had just too much fun. And the real cake topper was the fantastic time we all had exploring Seattle and being as touristy as possible: Pike’s Market, Woodland Park Zoo, Space Needle (including ridiculously expensive, but tasty dinner), the aquarium, EMP/SFM, and the Pacific Science Center. Vary rarely does one get to take a trip that encompasses so many aspects of who I am: mother, wife, Buddhist, educator, business woman.

Seattle Trip - April 2008

Raising smart kids…that’s the goal, right? (Or why my 10 year old likes Hillary)

I know I haven’t been posting much and I feel kind of bad about it. The problem is this: there are so many things I want to talk about and there is so little time to get them organized and into a blog post. So i don’t post.  Lame excuse, I know. It is what it is, friends.  Anyway, here’s the bitch of the day:

Recently, my 10 year old son had the chance to see both Barack Obama and Bill Clinton speak at local events. He wasn’t impressed with an obviously tired and often adversarial Obama. My son didn’t like the way the senator chose to spend his time slamming Clinton and not offering solutions. Max, on the other hand, was very impressed by Bill Clinton and all the plans and ideas he illustrated. To be fair, who wouldn’t be in awe of one the best orators of our time (I sure as hell was)? Max wanted to show his support for Hillary by wearing a campaign shirt. Apparently, he was teased and ridiculed by the not-so-tolerant children of Southern Oregon. Go figure. The kids had either jumped on the Obama-wagon (of course, they couldn’t actually tell him why) or were for McCain. In fact, one kid (whose mom is an uninsured, unemployed, untreated alcoholic…look, I’m just saying) told Max that Hillary was going to take away his guns (not get him health care, but take away his fucking guns).  People, if we’re going to brainwash our kids and make them parrot our own rhetoric, let’s at least give them some facts and real data so they don’t end up looking so damn stupid! Since my son has actually seen both Obama and President Clinton, I think he’s possibly more qualified than me to favor one over the other. I would be disappointed if he decided he liked Obama more than Clinton (and glad he’s not old enough to vote), but I would be proud that he made an informed and educated choice.

That being said, I would like to tell you that seeing Bill Clinton speaking not more than 20 feet in front of me was really something to check off my “things to do before I die” list. First, let me just say that he’s a good looking man. I kid you not. Second, let me say that in my heart I truly believe that the Clintons can bring us back to the America of before (before the bubble burst, before I lost my home, before my stocks tanked, before I had to cash in our 401Ks, before my children went to school 4 days a week, before, before, before). I believe that Hillary Clinton can fix some of the wrongs that have been to our country. I believe it.

Spring and New Beginnings

This past weekend was truly a New Beginning for me. I took refuge with my new Sangha and my teachers Lama Yeshe and Lama Pema. Not only did I find my spiritual home, but I went from a student of Buddhism to a Buddhist student by going for refuge. And, though I’m not a Christian, my family donned their Easter duds and went to church for a lovely hour of fellowship. In this time of global war and hate mongering, it was a joy to spend some time sharing positive ideas and discussing the concept and reality of love in today’s world. I found it refreshing and inspiring.

I was able to get 3 tickets to see Obama on Saturday, but because of my Sangha commitments I gave them to my 10 year old son, my grandma and my mom. And although my family is strongly pro-Hillary, I think it was an amazing experience for Max to participate in.

So I start this work week refreshed and trying to ignore Mr. It’s Not My Fault and his overwhelming negativity in the office. And, for the record, you can call me Karma Yeshe Khandro or Dakini of Primordial Awareness!

Progress, Not Perfection

Boring and trite update ahead:

Dude! Today is a good day. I paid three bills. Not huge bills, but ones that have been looming over me and keeping me up at night. Okay, so it’s only taken THREE years of recovery before I started to clean up the wreckage of my past. But (big BUT), I am moving forward. God, it feels good.

Email from the International Campaign for Tibet

I received the following email from the International Campaign for Tibet: 

Dear Friend,

I know you have been following the unprecedented events inside Tibet this week. If you are pressed for time, please jump to the end of this email for ways you can help.

There are now many reports of Tibetans being killed in the streets of Lhasa by security personnel. And many reports of Tibetans damaging Chinese stores. We now have photos of security vehicles overturned and in flames. And, a Tibetan in Lhasa told ICT staff that martial law has been imposed.

Reports of new developments are coming in every hour.

• Reports by doctors in Lhasa of dozens of wounded streaming into
  hospitals.
• Unconfirmed reports that soldiers are firing on Tibetans in the
  streets.
• Confirmed reports that the major monasteries around Lhasa have been
  sealed off.
• Three hundred monks from Drepung monastery and 100 nuns from Chutsang
  nunnery marched toward the center of Lhasa, stopped by armed
  police.  One was beaten to the ground.
• Unconfirmed reports of scores of Tibetans shot and killed including a
  16 year-old girl killed and taken away by Tibetans on Beijing Middle
  Road.
• Arrest of around 500 students from Tibet University, according to
  CNN.

 A Danish tourist just sent this email. . .

“Lhasa is in flames. There are tanks/armoured vehicles driving round in the streets - what’s going on is crazy . . . . it looks like a war zone. Almost all Chinese shops on the main street up to the Dalai Lama’s Winter Palace have been set on fire.”

His Holiness the Dalai Lama has issued a statement calling on the Chinese to show restraint and calling on Tibetans not to resort to violence.

This appears to be by far the largest uprising in Tibet since 1989, and if unconfirmed reports are true, there may be more Tibetan casualties in the streets of Lhasa than at any time since 1959.

We fear that as I write this, hundreds of Tibetans have been arrested and are being interrogated and tortured. We are still digesting the scope of this emergency and working the phones with governments, the media and others to bring pressure to bear on Beijing.

I want to let you know that the International Campaign for Tibet is currently working on many fronts to improve the situation in Tibet as only we can . . .

• Making preparations now to provide basic necessities for what is
  expected to be a large influx of new Tibetan refugees fleeing to
  Katmandu.
• Beefing up our on-the-ground field team inside Tibet to make sure that
  the facts of what is really happening are getting out, accurately and
  without bias, to world media as quickly as possible.
• Putting pressure on China to open Lhasa and other parts of Tibet to
  the media so the world can know what is really going on behind the
  veil of Chinese propaganda.
• Encouraging our friends in governments here in the U.S. and around the
  world to demand that the Chinese show restraint in their reaction to
  the protests.

As a friend of Tibet, I hope you can help us at this critical time with a generous donation so we will continue to have the resources we need to react quickly and effectively.

Please use the following link to make your contribution securely online:
http://support.savetibet.org/site/R?i=oE5GDu50ZwS8OKXOBU5qCA..

For additional ways to help out in Lhasa, consider the following:

1. Contact you member of Congress and ask that they call on China to
release all detainees, and allow international media access to Lhasa. To find your legislator, click here:
http://support.savetibet.org/site/R?i=0yOvZIL0sgCZHOjiXD2qSQ..

2. If you know any tourists in Lhasa, or others who may have direct
knowledge of what is happening in Tibet, please contact us immediately
at info@savetibet.org.

3. Events of support are happening around the U.S. and Canada. To join a rally at a Chinese consulate or embassy in your area, please
use the link below to review the list of local Tibet Support Groups holding demonstrations:
http://support.savetibet.org/site/R?i=TxNq1OOCO9TKgnWTvluhAw..

And please share this email with friends that you know would like to help. We need as many people with us now as possible:
http://support.savetibet.org/site/R?i=zKbK62D5qegUeF4myUbi1Q..

I also encourage you to visit our web site often,
http://support.savetibet.org/site/R?i=zNUTJCskadAtresyIc7oBw, to keep up to date on what is happening inside Tibet.

We need to act now –  I hope I can count on you.

With thanks for your support,

John Ackerly
President

International Campaign for Tibet
1825 Jefferson Place, NW
Washington, DC 20036

Protests Continue in Tibet - News Roundup

As the protests in Tibet turn violent, we should do our best as citizens of the world to understand what this all means. I’ve compiled some current links for you to review and come to your own conclusions. Later this weekend, I will also put together some information to provide you with the background for the unrest in Tibet.

• His Holiness the 14thd Dalai Lama’s Official Statement
• AFP
• CNN Article #1 - CNN Article #2 - CNN Video
• New York Times -Photos
• YouTube: Tibet Protest on Mt. Everest
• LA Times
• Newsvine/AP
• Bjork is not crazy
• Buddhist Monks in Burma:
  Burma, Buddhism and Power (Speaking of Faith with Krista Tippet

NYT: Monks Protest in Tibet

Monk Protests in Tibet Draw Chinese Security

Rusty’s State of the Union: 3 years sober

Well, well, look who decided to show up at her own blog. I haven’t had much time to blog lately, because I’ve been living life and all that entails.

• I celebrated my 3rd sober birthday on Sunday, March 9. Can you believe it? Three years with no alcohol. Still in the program and attending meetings. Need to kickstart my step work, but, otherwise I’m doing well.
• Abby turned 5 on February 27. No little babies anymore, only big kids. the most exciting thing about being 5, according to Abby, is that she’s graduated to a booster seat.
• My FIL was diagnosed with Leukemic Lymphoma is now undergoing chemo treatment. Despite tumors in his lung and spleen, he is doing well and fighting like a mutha.
• I started knitting again. A “chemo cap” for George in a lovely merino wool, ruby red. My slump is over now that I have a purpose. No more knitting ADD!
• Got myself a new cell phone, the very cool LG Voyager. If it’s possible to love a phone, then I love my phone.
• Our whole family has been on a bit of a health kick. Jeff has even kicked his soda habit and is eating a low carb diet (along with my dad). Mom and I are opting for the healthier and more satisfying South Beach route. The kids are even making an effort to choose healthier snacks and more active and engaging activities.
• I finally got ever losing T to the disease. I see her occasionally stumbling through school functions or trying to hitchhike up the hill. Sometimes she calls me and then forgets she called. I miss her, but she’s not herself when she’s drinking. I’m working on keeping my family and good friends a priority in my life. I flew to Texas to spend time with MoMo and her family. I did my very best to be the ultimate BFF and help her welcome her new daughter into the world. I’m also working on keeping it simple and real. My new friend S is wonderful and our families’ have grown very close.
• I’m working on cleaning up some financial wreckage and getting my taxes in order. All in all, I’m moving forward. Progress not perfection.

Spring 2008

Twitter Updates for 2008-02-27

• Home from work. Fed family: prawn salad for grown ups and noodles and Swedish meatballs for kids. Everyone behaved. #
• DD’s 5th birthday today. No more babies. Processing inboxes, conference call later, cupcakes to pre-k at 3pm. #
• Tuned in for debate commentary. Had to change the channel. When did the news media turn into sports announcers? Geez. #
• updated changes to API, pdf’d, and uploaded to support section of GC website http://tinyurl.com/3×82z8 #
• off to hand out cupcakes to 5/6 year olds… #

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Twitter Updates for 2008-02-26

• Outta here. Leaving work to pick up Max’s prescription, get gas for the tractor (what of it!), and get home to make dinner for la familia. #
• More prep for tradeshows. EHX in 2 weeks. Booth needs a major friggin’ overhaul. Press kits. Need to buy presents for Abby’s bday tomorrow. #
• Virgin launches biofuel jet http://tinyurl.com/39g8hz #
• off to lunch with work peeps…2nd day of south beach. #
• fantastic lunch. back to web redesign and tradeshow planning. #
• calling local stores looking for Dance Dance Revolution for the Wii. Toys R Us: negative #
• Circuit City: no DDR for Wii in stock (after getting stuck in an endless phone loop). #
• Target: no DDR for the Wii. If I didn’t live in Podunk, Or I’d have a Fry’s or BestBuy I could go to. Or I could have planned ahead, right? #
• Fred Meyer had DDR for Wii and is holding it for me. Score! Now grandpa will be able to give Abby exactly what she wants for her bday. #

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